Ground Control Parenting

Today’s post comes from Rachel Christmas Derrick, a widely published writer and communications consultant specializing in socio-economic development, youth empowerment, and education. Rachel originally posted this piece on The Independent School Diversity Network’s website.

You may recall that Wendy Van Amson, one of the co-founders of The Independent School Diversity Network (ISDN), was the very first person GCP interviewed after our launch (“What Parent’s Can Do: Wendy Van Amson”, 2/11/2011). Please check out ISDN’s updated and impressive website here, where you can find lots of interesting and helpful information.

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Asians and Whites Against Blacks and Latinos?
The Myths and Realities of Affirmative Action
and College-Bound High School Students

by Rachel Christmas Derrick

A high school teacher recently gave a student a lower grade than she expected. She told him after class, “I can’t get grades like this! I’m not brown. If I was, it wouldn’t matter, but since I’m white, I won’t get into college with grades like this.”

Two close friends were discussing where they were applying. The Asian-American student said to the African-American student, “Of course you’ll get into your first choice—you’re black.”

A white mother lamented, “I didn’t know what to say to my son when he told me that a less academically gifted classmate, who’s Puerto Rican, got into a highly competitive college where my son was wait-listed.”

“Most of the white and Asian students I hear talking about affirmative action really dislike it,” Hunter College High School history teacher David Joffe says. “They rarely reference the historical or, for that matter, the current socio and political contexts that make race-based affirmative action, in my mind, still necessary. When it’s discussed in terms of increasing diversity, many white and Asian students see it as meaning fewer of them in favor of more black and Latino students. So they view it as anti-white and anti-Asian.”

These uncomfortable issues, which high schools across New York City and across the country are grappling with, were at the core of a thought-provoking discussion at a recent Hunter PTA meeting.

As at the Department of Education’s specialized high schools, the student body at Hunter is mainly Asian and white, with African-American and Latino students vastly under-represented. Of the students accepted in March 2013 into the DoE’s specialized high schools, only 5% were black and only 7% Latino. The percentages are likely even lower at Hunter. This is way out of proportion to the city’s population, which, according to the 2010 Census, weighs in at 45% white, 25% black, 28% Hispanic, and 12% Asian. (These figures add up to more than 100% because Latinos can be of any race.) The percentages of the city’s school-age black and Latino children are higher still, with white kids actually in the minority (since the white population is older).

The paucity of brown faces at Hunter and the city’s other high schools for gifted students has led more than a few children and others to conclude that African Americans and Latinos just aren’t as smart or as driven as Asian and white students. However, the truth about the disproportionately low numbers of black and Latino students at schools like Hunter, and at top independent schools, actually lies in a complicated concoction of racial, socio-economic, political, curricular, and geographic challenges.

For example, the locations of “feeder schools” play a key role in the low numbers of black and Latino students in high schools for gifted students. According to Sharon Gordon, a social worker in East and Central Harlem for many years and the former director of a Head Start program in East New York in Brooklyn, “there are very few, if any, G&T [Gifted and Talented] elementary school seats for kids in these Harlem and Brooklyn neighborhoods or in the Bronx [all predominantly black and Latino areas]. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t very smart kids from these and other schools in regular ed classrooms, but they wouldn’t get the same academic stimulation that their peers in G&T classrooms would get before applying to specialized high schools.”

Hunter parent Andy McCord explains further: “Very few school districts produce most of the students at the [gifted] high schools, including [the mainly white] 2 and 3 in Manhattan and a couple of [heavily Asian and white] districts in Queens. Some districts produce none.”

To enter Hunter, which accepts students in 7th grade only, children must leave middle school before completing their 6th through 8th grade programs. Gordon, a Hunter parent, says, “I can’t tell you how many kids I’ve worked with who might have had a chance to get into Hunter in 7th grade but the middle schools they were attending discouraged them from applying because they didn’t want to lose their high test scores for the rest of middle school!” So, along with geographic obstacles, self-serving guidance is a problem as well.

In addition, some of the brightest black and brown students, who might otherwise have gone to Hunter or the city’s specialized high schools, are drawn to the bells and whistles of independent schools. But these private schools can offer hallelujah financial aid packages to only some of the many families that can’t afford the hefty tuition.

Against this backdrop of unequal access to the city’s most stimulating academic environments, the topic for discussion at Hunter’s annual Queens PTA meeting was the myths and realities of affirmative action for college-bound Asian students.

The first speaker, the head of a college Asian-American Studies program, began by asking for a show of hands of parents who believe that being in a diverse environment is important for their children’s wellbeing and future. Several parents who raised their hands said that, to be truly successful in life, our children must learn to value and interact with people who offer different perspectives, come from different cultures, and have different backgrounds.

Quite a few parents in the mostly Asian audience, however, did not raise their hands.

The Asian-American Studies director said that she holds the often unpopular belief that, in addition to its role in increasing diversity, affirmative action is necessary because a society must right wrongs that have been done to its individuals, even if righting those wrongs doesn’t directly benefit (or doesn’t appear to benefit) all members of that society.

She reminded us that we need to teach our children that no matter how bright they are or how hard they work, they won’t always get what they want (such as admission to their first-choice college). No college is going to accept every “qualified” Hunter student because no school wants that many Hunter students. And because there are already relatively large numbers of Asian students at elite colleges, there is a great deal of competition among Hunter students for those colleges.

Therefore, she said, we must teach our children how to be resilient. We must help them (and ourselves) understand that there are amazing opportunities for our students in an array of colleges, not only at the “top” schools.

One audience member, who wasn’t buying the merits of affirmative action, brought up the “mismatch theory” mentioned in a recent New York Times article. The theory goes that when top colleges “lower their standards” to admit black and Latino students, these students struggle and/or drop out. Thus, affirmative action fails the African-American and Latino students it is intended to help as well as the “more qualified” white and Asian students who are passed over to admit those “less qualified” black and brown students.

The other speaker, an attorney for an Asian-American civil rights organization, explained that the mismatch theory has been broadly debunked, on a number of fronts. In fact, when colleges use a variety of indices to choose students to admit (instead of relying only on their grades and test scores), these schools are able to identify students who ultimately perform very well in college and beyond. Colleges select students who they think are the best fits for their incoming classes. No admissions team wants to make themselves or their college look bad by accepting students who are doomed to flounder or crash and burn.

He addressed the basic premise held by far too many people—that affirmative action is anti-white, anti-bright, and means lowering standards to admit black and Latino students. He talked about the current University of Texas case in which a white woman is claiming that she did not gain admission because of affirmative action and her race. Her case is weak, he pointed out, because there were other white applicants with similar or worse academic records who were accepted. And no one ever talks about “discrimination” or “lowering standards” when top schools give preference to children of donors, legacies (children of alumni), and athletes.

Affirmative action is not actually about lowering standards at all. Instead, it’s about new definitions of what “qualified” is. There are many ways of measuring and predicting academic success in addition to grades and test scores. The more all students explore their passions both in academic realms and beyond, the more attractive they become as candidates—and the more successful they will be as college students.

True, a white student with high grades or test scores might be turned down by a college that accepted a brown student with lower grades or test scores—but this would be due to pivotal factors such as exceptional personal essays, demonstrated leadership abilities, unusual extracurricular activities, stellar teacher recommendations, sustained community service contributions, or the student’s geographic, cultural, or socio-economic background.

By the same token, a college might accept a Finnish-, Portuguese-, and Mandarin-speaking Chinese-American student with lower test scores than a Chinese-American student who was turned down. Or they might select a nonprofit-starting, short film-making white student over a white student with higher grades.

We should not forget that there are also black and Latino students with both impressive resumes and high test scores and grades—and not just from middleclass and upper-middleclass families or in private schools. Part of what affirmative action is designed to do is to identify and attract students like these.

Among high-achieving students, no matter what their race or ethnic background, there is often a sense of entitlement: “I deserve admission to an elite college. I’ve worked hard and done well, so I’ve earned it.” When it comes to admission, however, no college owes any student anything. Schools each choose the students they wish, regardless of their number of A’s or impressive activities. There are never any guarantees, no matter how outstanding a student may seem.

“As a parent of a white senior who is getting an incredible number of waitlists from selective schools and a few acceptances so far from slightly less selective schools, the hardest thing to get my head around is how hard it is for everybody,” McCord, who also has a child at Bronx Science, says.

In the audience at the Hunter PTA meeting, the question on many minds was, How does affirmative action help top Asian students, whose high grades and test scores already make them attractive to the best colleges, and who already attend some of the top colleges in relatively large numbers? Although the meeting ended before we could delve deeply into the answer, I offer this response:

First, we need to remember how things got this way. Without the hundreds of years of free labor of the enslaved Africans who helped build this country, the United States would never have become as wealthy and powerful as it is today. To make slavery work, Africans were torn away from their homes, from those they loved, those who spoke the same languages, and those who shared the same religions, all so that they could be broken and more easily oppressed.

This early cultural annihilation and enslavement (along with the subsequent racial discrimination, segregation, public lynching and burning, and other social, psychic, and physical violence against black Americans) is directly related to the lower socio-economic status and self-esteem of most African Americans today compared to that of most immigrant groups.

Asians came and still come to this country not in chains, but as willing, hopeful immigrants believing that this is the place where they could and can forge better lives for themselves and their families. Certainly they too have faced terrible racism, from the early Chinatowns out West destroyed by fire to Japanese internment camps. But they could always draw on the support of fellow immigrants from their countries.

No matter how hostile their surroundings, Asians could be strengthened and inspired (even if secretly, at times) by the familiar languages, foods, spiritual beliefs, and customs of home. Once Chinese Americans and successive Asian groups were allowed to naturalize and immigrate with family members, their shared cultural backgrounds and cohesive communities made it easier for them to believe in and instill in their children the belief in the value of a good education as the gateway to success.

Latinos also came and continue to come as hopeful immigrants, and those who look more European have fared better in this country than those with the most African and Indian ancestry. However, most Latinos of all races have faced ethnic discrimination that has resulted in low self-esteem for many, despite their cultural pride and close-knit communities. Moreover, many still are not recognized as American by some, because of the stigma of immigration and low socio-economic status.

White people, on the other hand, particularly males, have always reaped the automatic benefits of doing nothing more than being white. Of course Irish, Italian, Jewish, and other groups have not had an easy time. But simply because they were not black, Latino, Asian, or Native American, they have always had a much better chance of making the hard work of the American Dream pay off than those who are now under-represented in the country’s best schools.

Clearly, black and brown students have been left out or pushed out of the cream of the educational crop for far too long. Yet affirmative action is not about white and Asian kids with good grades and high test scores having to selflessly step aside to right the wrongs started by past generations.

It’s not Us against Them.

Affirmative action is about leveling the playing field, so that everyone can enjoy the benefits of a more just, more equitable society, a society in which everybody feels valued, safe, and welcome to strive for better opportunities.

It’s about helping all students understand that, no matter what college they attend, the more they interact with people from varied backgrounds, the more enlightened, capable, and successful they themselves will become.

It’s about encouraging students to fortify themselves now, since, for the rest of their lives, they will also be competing with or measured against others. Like it or not, they will be judged continually for a variety of accomplishments and characteristics—whether they are in college, applying for a job, vying to rent a coveted apartment, or bidding on a house.

It’s about teaching them to broaden their perspectives, instead of falling prey to the stale belief that the sole key to a happy, prosperous future lies in attending one of the three or ten most popular schools.

At the very least, affirmative action challenges students to think creatively about how to distinguish themselves in a crowded, competitive field, a skill that will certainly serve them well throughout their lives.

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You may contact Rachel at rcderrick.nyc@gmail.com.

Let me start by stating the obvious: the sexual assault of the inebriated young woman in Steubenville, Ohio by two high school athletes was a heinous act for which punishment is just and proper. This is a tragic case in which everybody lost. A young woman will be haunted by the sexual assault itself, by the knowledge that online images of the assault will be floating around the town and the world forever, and by the fact that members of her community (incredibly) fault her for turning the boys in. The two young men who digitally penetrated her as onlookers stood by watching and recording them will be incarcerated, will have to register as sexual offenders upon their release, and will have to live with the responsibility of ruining a young woman’s life. Whatever hopes and dreams all three of these young people had in life are changed irreparably by the horrific circumstances of one Friday night.

As the parent of a young adult daughter, I shudder to read about that poor young woman surrounded by attackers and people who failed to help her. And as the parent of two teenaged sons, I shudder to read yet another story of young men allowing a night of partying to turn into a night of sexual assault. We’ve seen this before. Fueled and confused by the lethal combo of alcohol, a bravado born of the hero-worship that local athletes often enjoy, and an abandonment (however temporary) of any kind of moral decency or good sense, young men cross the line to commit terrible crimes. It would be easy to dismiss these young men as perverted lunatics, but watching one of the young men’s hysterically tearful apology to the girl and her family lets us know that the story is more complicated than that. How do we as parents use these cautionary tales to instruct our boys and girls about avoiding opportunities to get into serious, terrible trouble?

I write this from the Bahamas, where high school and college kids have gathered during Spring Break to take advantage of warm beautiful weather, a lower drinking age (18) and the absence of parental supervision to party like it’s 3am all day. As I walk past throngs of young women wearing next to nothing bikinis or impossibly short dresses with more impossibly high heels, gathering to plan their next moves, I want to gather them and warn them that no good can come of the combination of their outfits and the abundance of alcohol. As I see the groups of young men eyeing these young women I want to stop and tell them don’t lose your sense of right and wrong, don’t be goaded by your friends into taking risks, stay aware of your surroundings and have good common sense at all times. I’ve had this conversation with my son dozens of times, and now I want to yell at all of them at the top of my lungs, “PLEASE DON’T BE STUPID”.

Don’t be stupid. How often have we said this to our sons, to ourselves? And yet daily our children take chances, some of them really stupid, which lead them to face unfortunate but completely foreseeable consequences. If it were only so simple that issuing a note (or a million notes) of caution could make the difference.

But there is another side to this: a little bit of stupid can go a long way. Learning not to be stupid involves making a few mistakes, so you can see firsthand how not to make them again. As parents our job is not to shelter our children from the opportunity to choose to do the right thing. College infirmaries are filled with kids whose parents shielded them so well from the stupidity of indulging in bad behavior that the first day they were on their own they overdid it. As I see it, our job is not to protect our kids from making any stupid mistakes; it is to arm them with as much common sense as we possibly can, encourage them to use that common sense to think their way away from potentially bad situations, and pray fervently that this will all work to keep them from making the Big Stupid Mistakes. Talking to our (age appropriate) children about all of the lessons of this tragic Steubenville case is a good start.

It is easy to be judgemental, to survey those kids in Steubenville or these kids in the Bahamas and smugly assure ourselves that our son or daughter will never participate in any such reckless behavior. It is harder to acknowledge that some of us came to know the problems of reckless behavior from personal experience. Maybe we were in a party where stupidity reigned and consequences flowed, or we knew people for whom being in that crowd was a really stupid mistake. Hopefully not a life altering or criminal mistake, but a really stupid mistake nonetheless.

As parents we dance on the head of a pin stuck between constantly saying “no way” based upon our knowledge born of experience, and allowing our children to develop and use the common sense that they need to have on their own. It is an exhausting marathon dance. Stories like the one out of Steubenville remind us that we can’t stop dancing. Talk to your teenaged sons and daughters about the Steubenville case. Talk to them about knowing when to stop, when to walk away and when and how to get help (and contact you) in dangerous situations. Tell them how much harder it is to do these things when alcohol blurs judgement. If you decide to let them go, tell them to have fun and be safe. Remind them you’ll be there no matter what, but that part of the deal of letting them go is that you trust they can and will stay focused on not being stupid. Then try not to hold your breathe until they come home.

Last year, GCP reported President Obama’s establishment of the White House Initiative on Educational Excellence for African-Americans (“President Obama’s Plan to Help African American Students Succeed”, July 28, 2012). The President defined the mission of this Initiative as “[strengthening] the Nation by improving educational outcomes for African-Americans of all ages”.

Here’s an update: This month U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan appointed David J. Johns as Executive Director of the White House Initiative. Johns will work across federal agencies and with communities nationwide to identify evidence-based best practices to improve African American student achievement—from cradle to career. Johns is a graduate of Columbia University (with a triple major in English, Creative Writing and African American Studies) who went on to earn a master’s degree in sociology and education policy at Teachers College of Columbia University. He comes to the position of Executive Director from the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions, where he was a senior education policy advisor.

Throughout his career, Johns has worked on issues affecting low-income and minority students, neglected youth and early childhood education, and Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs). His research as an Andrew W. Mellon Fellow served as a catalyst to identify, disrupt and supplant negative perceptions of black males within academia and society. You can read the full press release on his appointment here.

As we noted in our earlier post, the White House Initiative on Educational Excellence for African-Americans has a very broad-based mission, and is an ambitious but welcome effort to come out of this administration. Looking forward to hearing about Johns’ plans to move this mission forward. Will keep you posted.

Two recent news items give us food for thought with respect to the development of a young person’s self-esteem. Yesterday’s New York Times features an article found here about Joel Baumann, a young African-American sophomore on the University of Minnesota’s wrestling team who is also an aspiring singer and rapper. His latest video, “One’s in the Sky”, which urges people to pursue their dreams, can be seen on YouTube and purchased on ITunes. He wants to inspire people through his music, and he proudly claims to live his life by his two mottos: “I Will Inspire” and “I Will Impact”.

The N.C.A.A. is not inspired by or impressed with his budding musical career. They have ruled him ineligible for the remainder of this wrestling season, claiming that he violated an N.C.A.A. bylaw prohibiting student-athletes from using their name, image or status as an athlete to promote the sale of a commercial product. While Bauman says he wants to continue wrestling, he does not want to give up his music. He refused to remove his name and likeness from the videos on line, and refused to use an alias to promote his music, even after being told that this would enable him to regain his eligibility. He explains, “I’m Joel Bauman. My message is: I will inspire, and I will impact. I am not going to hide behind an alias to do that, because that’s my message. I can own up to that message.” Bauman is now on partial athletic scholarship, which he will lose next year if he remains ineligible. But he remains undaunted in his quest to be a musician-athlete. “I have a plan to figure this whole thing out, to be able to do both [music and wrestling],” he said. “But my message is more important than my eligibility in the long run. So if I can’t, then so be it.”

Putting aside any thoughts about this ridiculous application of the N.C.A.A. rule, GCP readers, what do you think about Bauman’s perspective and plan? I’m all for inspiration, and it is great to see a young man who at 21 already feels as if he can make a big impact on the world, but I hope he will be able to stay in school without an athletic scholarship. Rappers with big dreams who aspire to make an impact with their message are looking at NBA draft-like odds of making it to the big time. Is he right to pursue his dreams, or is his strong self-esteem getting the best of him? What would you advise your son to do your son were he in this position?

Those of us with younger children who wonder how we should go about building their self esteem can take a look a video from the Wall Street Journal online, found here. This video discusses a recent study’s findings that praising and encouraging your child too much can ultimately be harmful to him as he matures, because, among other things, it renders him unable to deal with life’s setbacks. The study suggests that parents should encourage their children to be positive but realistic about their capabilities, and they should strive for that middle ground between making their children feel they can do no wrong and having them feel depressed about areas in which they are not excelling. In my experience this middle ground can be tough to find, and it tends to shift regularly. But it is good to be mindful of the potential dangers of overpraising, especially when children are in their younger years. GCP readers, your thoughts?

What is your son doing in his gym class? Are he and his classmates running around, learning sports and playing games? And are they reviewing vocabulary words and math concepts as they play? Some schools in the 45 states which have adopted more rigorous English and Math standards are bringing this intensified curriculum into gym class as well. In a West Palm Beach Florida classroom profiled in a recent New York Times article found here, the gym teacher had her students counting by fours during their exercise routine, running math based relay games, and learning vocabulary words as they did push ups. In Chesapeake, VA, students count in other languages as they do their exercises. D.C. schools have added health and fitness questions to their year-end standardized test. The push to add an academic component to gym class isn’t solely born of a need to ramp up the rigor. Schools claim that making the class more academic justifies keeping gym class at a time when non academic courses (like art and music) are disappearing from the curriculum to make room for additional core coursework.

But some schools are resisting adding this academic element to gym class, believing that the national focus on childhood obesity and the diminishing recess time in schools suggest that a gym class which focuses on physical activity is important to preserve. Moreover, studies have shown that regular physical exercise can help children to focus, concentrate and learn. Janis Andrews, the Palm Beach district chief academic officer, would agree, noting in the article: “Some children just learn better through more movement than they do sitting at a desk. Some kids are going to have that ‘aha’ moment not in the classroom, but the light bulb is going to finally go on outside.” Those of us with active boys would readily agree that they need and benefit from every possible opportunity to run around during their school day.

Some parent’s perspective on the importance of a “gym only” gym class will depend upon their own gym class experiences. If gym class for you meant the chance to finally race around and let off steam, or hone/show off your skills on the court or the field, then you may consider this concept of including academics both unnecessary and unwelcome. If you (like me) were more on the slow or uncoordinated side in school, and/or regularly the last chosen for any game or sport, perhaps the concept of learning something else during gym may sound like a more productive (and less discouraging) use of time.

GCP readers, what do you think? First of all, how much do you know about what goes on in your son’s (or daughter’s) p.e. class? Are their schools trying to incorporate academic instruction into the gym class, and if so, is it at the expense of the physical exercise? As the mother of athletic, active boys, but who certainly understands (from personal experience) that not every student falls into that category, I’d rather have gym time include more activities designed to make everyone enthusiastic about moving around and enjoying the process of getting physically fit (not just the budding athletes) rather than have the students solving math problems and learning vocabulary words during gym. Your thoughts?

Today’s New York Times has two articles in its sports section, each featuring a talented young Black male basketball player with NBA dreams. Jahlil Okafor, a 17 year old high school junior at Whitney Young High School in Chicago who stands at 6 feet 11 inches, is considered the top high school player in national rankings. He was offered a college scholarship when he was in the 8th grade, and now the best college coaches in the country are all offering scholarships. His story, found here, is one of hard work, focus, composure under pressure, and grace.

Some measure of that grace, composure and determination was born of tragedy: At 11, he watched his mother collapse and ultimately succumb to complications of bronchitis. He coped with this loss by burying himself in basketball, shooting outdoors for hours on end to avoid thinking about his mom. Fortunately, his father, Chukwudi Okafor, a former college basketball player (as was his wife), who works as an assistant for his son’s high school team, has been there every step of the way to guide him with respect to basketball and life in general. When Jahlil couldn’t find classmates and friends to play with him in the neighborhood because he was too tall and by his own admission “super competitive”, his father took him to neighboring courts and watched him play with the older players. While the elder Okafor has always encouraged his son’s ambitions, he didn’t push. As Jahlil explained, “He might tell me a few things, like put some more arc on your shot. But he wasnt coaching me, making me do push-ups every night, or anything like that.” His father confirmed that he doesn’t want his son to get lost in the all-encompassing world of basketball. He elaborated: “As far as coaches, media, recruiting? He doesn’t owe anyone anything, and I tell him that all the time.” Jahlil is a good student with an interest in British Literature, who blogs about his basketball recruiting experience for USA Today.

Years away from any college recruiter’s grasp is fifth grader Julian Newman, an 11-year-old, 4 feet 5 inch young man who plays with on his Orlando Florida school’s high school varsity team. He began this season on the middle school team, but was promoted to varsity when he scored first 69, then 91 points in games. Since joining the varsity squad he has led the team, which is coached by his father Jamie, from being at the bottom of its low-level league to dominance, with an 18-5 record. As the article found here details, Julian, whose basketball YouTube clips have attracted over a million viewers and interest from around the world, is obsessed with improving his skills. He sinks 100 free throws, 200 floaters and 200 jump shots every day, which can easily take three hours or more. Julian does not recall ever taking off more than two straight days from this regimen. His parents Jamie and Vivian Newman, who met when they were point guards for their rival Orlando high schools, consider Jamie a self driven prodigy. They describe him as a straight A student, motivated to study by their requirement of “homework before hoops” (although this has led him to rush through homework at recess so that he could get to the court after school).

Julian’s father, like Jahlil’s dad, saw the athletic potential in his son early and encouraged it. He gave his son regulation sized balls at age 3 and encouraged him to play against older boys in recreational leagues. While Julian’s chances at a professional career on the court can’t be predicted, both because of his age and his genetic makeup (with parents standing 5 foot 6 inches and 5 feet even, he is not expected to grow to 6 feet), this does not diminish his father’s hoop dreams. Says the proud father about his son: “He can do stuff that Chris Paul and Derrick Rose can’t.” Jamie has no plans to leave his job as coach of the high school team. And notwithstanding his strong interest in Jamie’s development as a player, he intends to keep his son at the school with him. His rationale: “if you can play, you can play. If it’s right for you academically and socially, by all means, stay there”.

Two young basketball players with great potential in the sport. Two fathers who have mentored their sons from an early age about the process of pursuing excellence. While it would have been good to learn more about their academic interests and focus in these articles, it appears that both boys are thus far on track to achieve on both sides of the student-athlete equation. I must confess that I wince a bit to read of a father entertaining thoughts of an NBA career for his 11-year-old, and hope that his zealous support of his son’s obsession doesn’t cloud his judgment with respect to his son’s academic and athletic potential. But it is insightful to view how both men have dealt with the challenges (and benefits) of raising sons with early signs of prodigious talent. And I have to say, it is great to read about these boys being guided by their strong, focused and loving fathers. GCP readers, how do you help your sons manage their sports superstar aspirations (regardless of their talent) and keep their eyes on the academic prize?? Details, please!

Today’s post comes courtesy of GCP Dad Michael Mayfield, who lives in North Carolina and has two college-aged children.

I never envisioned myself married to an incredible woman and having two amazing children. It seemed like too much responsibility. Seems so even now – so much to teach and instill. Too many mistakes were made, and maybe that’s why I lost the incredible woman. Fortunately, the four of us have managed to love and support each other over these twenty-four years.

After the divorce, it always made sense to stay where my children were. I would never have wanted them to say, “He wasn’t there.”

I recently asked my college aged son what he remembers about my impact upon his upbringing and he said,“Your presence was definitely felt. You were there.”

My biological father wasn’t a presence in my upbringing. I never had an issue with this because my mother and stepfather did a great job with my siblings and me. I don’t know what I missed from not knowing my father any better, but I believed that I had experienced enough of a paternal presence to be a good father to my children.

For parent/teacher meetings, award ceremonies, Spelling Bees, recitals, “24 Math” competitions, and awards, I was there.

In the seventh grade, my son took the SAT, and scored higher than I ever did in high school. At the year-end awards assembly, fifty-two middle school students were recognized by their teachers as “Most Promising.” In a school with a nearly thirty percent minority population, only four of the “Most Promising” were children of color. Though he was a great and dynamic student, never missed a day of school and played on several teams, my son was not among the four.

A few awards later, the principal walked onto the stage to announce that six students had brought honor to Guilford County, North Carolina for ranking among the top two percent in the nation on the SATs. And one of those students attended this school.

He called my son to the stage.

The message that this assembly sent to children of color in the auditorium was disheartening, but the message that it sent to his perplexed White classmates and their parents was just as bad, if not worse. The middle school teachers didn’t see the promise in my child nor many other children of color. My son, whom the principal just identified as one of the highest achieving students in the county and the country, was not considered to be among the “Most Promising” by his teachers.

It was a teachable moment and I was there.

For bumps, bruises, practices and games, I was there.

In ninth grade, my son broke his leg in a freak accident while he was warming up for his second high school basketball game. I took the crestfallen ‘baller’ to the car after he discovered his season was over. For a few moments, I was “Daddy.” Not “Dad” – “Daddy.” He remembers that I was there (and that I slammed his finger in the car door as we went to get the declarative x-ray, but that’s another story).

Prior to his freshman year of college, my son spent six weeks in the Alaskan Wilderness for Leadership Development. With no cell or electronic contact, he was roughing it. We did not speak to him for most of his sojourn. Then, one morning at 2 a.m., when his mom and sister were fast asleep I got THE CALL. Excited and unguarded, he joyfully told me about his adventure. It was a vulnerable and reachable moment. He reached out for me. I was there.

And I wouldn’t have missed any of it for the world.

There are always things that I wished I had done better or differently. There are things that my son and daughter may want to approach differently than I have. But I’ve tried to be an accessible model and to teach them what I’ve learned in life.

Most importantly, I have always committed to being there. And I always will.

Michael Mayfield’s son Brandon is a Morehead-Cain Scholar at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. His daughter Lauren is a sophomore at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

During February and March, K-12 independent schools across the country will be notifying parents about whether their sons or daughters have landed a spot in the upcoming kindergarten class. (Good luck to parents awaiting this news.) One of the issues which frequently comes up as parents consider applying their children to an independent school kindergarten is when they should apply. If their son has a Spring or Summer birthday, and applies in the year he will be turning 5, this is likely to make him one of the younger children in the class. If he has a fall birthday, which will cause him to miss the standard cut-off of September 1, he will have to wait another year, and will turn 6 shortly after kindergarten begins.

The park bench wisdom, especially for boys, is that it is better for your child to be among the oldest in the kindergarten class than among the youngest. Older kindergarten boys are thought to be more mature, more in control of their bodies and impulses, and better able to sit still and pay attention to what is going on in the classroom. Although the applications for many independent schools in New York City include the standard September 1 cut off, some schools may even infer during the admissions process that they are less interested in boys with birth dates in the Spring and beyond. These circumstances have led parents to promote and follow the practice of holding back or academic “redshirting” their sons who turn five well before the September 1 cut off.

But is being the oldest always the right answer for your son? Research studies are inconclusive on whether starting kindergarten at 6 makes you a life long better student. A 2008 Harvard University study, concludes that while in the early grades there is a strong positive relationship between a child’s age and his performance relative to his peers, there is little evidence that being older than your classmates has any long-term positive effects on IQ or educational attainment.

Donna McClintock, COO of Children’s Choice Learning Centers, Inc. and the mother of three, wrote an article for CNN.com recently in which she urges parents to focus more on their child’s needs and development than on automatically following the current redshirting trend. In her article, found here, she gives parents a series of questions to consider when thinking about redshirting. Among them are : “If you hold your child back, what will he do during this time of rapid growth and learning?” It is critical that he continues to be inspired, challenged and motivated during this time of rapid growth and learning. If your child stays in a pre school program for that additional year, make sure that the program will provide actual age appropriate learning experiences in the classroom, and won’t just re-do the 4′s program. She also asks parents to consider whose needs are actually being served by having your child sit out a year: Are you doing it because all your friends are, or because he is likely to perform better in sports, or because you are not quite ready for him to start school? These reasons may ultimately serve you more than they are serving your son.

We faced this dilemma years ago with my sons born in July and August. Although we heard the park bench perspective loudly and clearly, we decided to send them on to kindergarten as young 5 year olds rather than wait out the year for them to start at 6. We felt that they were ready to move on developmentally, and had the attention span and control to make it through a day of school. (It helped that we took their preschool’s all-day option in the 4′s program, which made them comfortable with the longer school day before they got to kindergarten.) This did make each of them one of the youngest in their grades in the early years. But as the years progressed, and students from other schools joined their class, they were no longer the youngest, as public schools generally follow a December 1 cut off. Moreover, we have seen that they have adjusted well in their grades with no learning gaps. When they were in the early grades, they complained a bit about being the youngest (which was most obvious when birthdays were celebrated in class). But as they reached middle school, and I watched some of the older boys struggle with the effects of being much more physically developed than their classmates, I understood that both sides of this issue had its challenges.

As Donna McClintock notes, the most important thing a parent can do when making this decision is to carefully consider your child’s individual needs and development rather than blindly follow a trend. What works for your friend’s child should not dictate what will work for yours. GCP readers, if you faced this issue, what did you do? Did you hold back your son, on send him on, and what was his experience in either case?

It is the end of January, the time of year when the winter blahs can settle in for parents as well as children. Especially this year, when the monster flu season is upon us, taking out entire families for days, even weeks at a time. Even if your family has avoided the flu (and congrats if you have), you can be dragged down by more mundane issues: The days are short, the weather is cold (certainly for those of us on the East Coast and in the Midwest), and there are miles of school year to go before summer vacation. You are supposed to be encouraging an antsy son or daughter to stay focused these days, but you are tempted to complain along with them. What’s a parent to do?

Several sites around the internet offer tips and resources for staying alert and involved, and/or interesting articles to distract you from the blahs. Here are just a few to get you started:

Five Hot Homework Tips for Parents, found here, is a provocatively titled article from the US Department of Education. The 5 “hot” tips include some relatively novel ones, like the suggestion that you work alongside your children in a reading or math activity while they are doing their homework to model focused behavior, or that you spend time helping your child learn time management while they are studying. But even more helpful is the link at the bottom of these five tips to a longer and more comprehensive list of homework tips for parents. Take a few minutes to scroll around this entire DOE site; there are lots of interesting and resourceful articles for parents.

Moms Team: The Trusted Source for Sports Parents, found here, is a very impressive collection of information for parents with sports-minded children. It offers advice and information on many and varied aspects of the world of children’s sports, including health and safety, nutrition, successful sports parenting (with a sub-section for single parents), extensive information on a large variety of sports, and there is even a “Team Moms/Coaches Channel” designed to help coaches and parent volunteers do a good job with their teams. Worthwhile browsing, even if your child isn’t a serious sports enthusiast.

Help For Children Who Procrastinate: Who among us hasn’t battled a bout of procrastination, especially this time of year? (Good for you if you haven’t, but trust me, you are in the minority.) Helping your children get an early start on developing methods of fighting procrastination is a gift that will keep on giving. While the article found here addresses procrastination in children with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), the advice is good for all children who are having trouble staying focused. (And it can help easily distracted parents as well!)

15 Best Family Vacations in the U.S.: One way to beat the blahs is to start planning your next vacation. U.S. News and World Report offers a list of recommended family vacations, found here. This list includes explanations of why each place is included, and the top things to do there. Even if none of the fifteen appeal to you, it is likely to inspire you to think of places that will.

GCP readers, how do you stave off the parental winter blahs?? Send in your suggestions!!!